Just some irish jokes not about the credit crunch though:p as you know there either about drink, religion or hating the english so here you go:
A turkey is chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.
Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bulls**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sl*ts."
An Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were playing Russian roulette.
Paddy Englishman used a gun with six chambers and no bullets;
Paddy Scotsman used a gun with six chambers and one bullet;
Paddy Irishman used a gun with six chambers and six bullets - but he put The gun to Paddy Englishman's head.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'
'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.'
A Kerry boy came home from school in tears.
'What's the matter, son?' asked his mammy.
'We were doing sums today, Mammy,' he said.
'And were they too hard?'
'Well, the teacher said either I couldn't count, or I was stupid, or all three.'
Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:
'Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?'
'Hang on, Sisters,' spluttered Murphy. 'How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgement when you've never tasted the stuff?'
'Very well,' said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!'
'OK,' said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.
'I'll have a large gin,' he said to the barman. 'And can you put it in a cup?'
'My God,' said the barman, 'that nun's not outside again is she?'
While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"
An Irish man is sitting a a bar drinking
A flamboyantly gay man comes up to him and asks, "can i give you a bl*w job?"
The Irishman stands up and punches the gay man.
The bar tender comes over and asks, "Why did you hit that guy?"
The Irish man replied, "He said somethin about me gettin a job"
An elderly businessman buys a large house. The house is situated on a cliff overlooking the sea. One evening, the old gentleman is out for his usual walk before going to bed. The evening is a very blustery one. He ventures a little too close to the cliff's edge, loses his footing and falls over the brink.
Fortunately, he is able to grasp a very slender sapling that is growing out of the cliff, which stops his fall. The old gentleman hangs there for a few moments, terribly shaken. Eventually he calls out, "Is there anybody there?"
At once a great voice seem to fill the whole of the firmament. It comes out of the clouds, out of the sea and out of the cliff itself. It says in measured tones, "There is always someone up here, my son. All that you need to do is release your hold upon that small tree and you will descend safely to the shore below."
The old gentleman considers this for a moment and takes a look down at the jagged rocks 200ft below him. Then he looks up again and says, "Is there anybody else up there?"
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”
One night on the small, dark Irish country roads an Englishman and an Irishman were driving recklessly and collided, demolishing both of their cars. Amazingly, the two men emerged from the wreck unscathed. Astonished by their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike of each other from that moment forward.
The Irishman at this point fetches a bottle of 12-year-old Jameson from his car and hands it to the Englishman who gratefully accepts it, removes the top and hefting the bottle in a toast, cries,
“May the English and the Irish live forever in peace and harmony!” Still shaky from the wreck, the Englishman takes several hearty swallows, draining a good half of the bottle before handing it back to Paddy.
“Eh, no thanks,” says the Irishman, “I think I’ll just wait for the Garda(police) to get here.”
A US police officer was on exchange in County Tipperary in Ireland with the Garda as part of a new law enforcement program between the two countries. One day the sergeant informed him they’d be stopping cars looking for suspicious characters.
The day was going along with nothing to report until an older man pulled up in a small Ford van. He seemed agitated and the American officer was immediately suspicious.
“Where are you travelling to today?” asked the officer. The older man angrily mumbled something the officer couldn’t understand and tightened his hands on the wheel. The alarm bells went off in the officer’s head and he reached for his baton, backing away from the car and saying,
“Sir, I can’t understand you - could you please step out of the vehicle.” At this the man became quite angry and turned to the officer, yelling at him,
“I SAID I’ve just come from KILLING A MAN and now I’m off to KILL A BOY!! Now feck off and let me on with me business!!”
The officer immediately arrested the older man on suspicion of murder and brought him in for questioning. Instead of the praise he expected, the Irish garda sergeant uncuffed the suspect as soon as he saw him and, after just a few words, let him go with an apology before sternly taking the American officer aside.
“That man is Paddy O’Loughlin,” said the sergeant, “he’s well known to ourselves, runs a local delivery business - he’s harmless.”
“But - what about his confession to murder?!” protested the yankee officer. The sergeant hefted a tired sigh.
“Paddy might not be a very polite man - and he shouldn’t have yelled at you - but you really need to learn the names of the local areas here.” The sergeant then pointed to a map on the wall where the American saw his mistake.
The American officer had stopped Paddy directly on his daily route between Kilnaman and Killaboy, County Tipperary.
An Irishman and a woman arrive at a relationship therapist’s office and explain that they are having trouble with their intimate matters. After some discussion, the couple make it clear that they would like it if the doctor would be willing to observe them in the act, something he reluctantly agrees to do. After the first session, he assures them that everything seems to be fine, charges them his €50 fee and sees them off on their way.
He’s surprised when, the next week, the distressed couple show up again, insisting he give them a second opinion. As he has already accommodated them once, he agrees, and after the second session he again assures the couple that everything is certainly working as it should, charges them his €50 fee and bids them goodbye.
When the couple show up the next week he begins to suspect there’s something odd going on. He confronts the man, who finally confesses,
“Well, doctor, my girlfriend is married, so we can’t be together at her house. I am as well, so my place is out of the question. The TravelLodge charges €127 a night and the local hotel €175. Here we can safely be together, it only costs €50 and I get €43 of that back from the VHI!”
The Englishman, The Irishman, The Scotsman, and The Welshman (making a guest appearance in this joke) were all flying together in an airliner. The captain announced that they were losing altitude rapidly and that one of them would have to jump out to save The others.
'I do this for The glory of Scotland,' said The Scotsman and he jumped out.
'We need to lose more weight,' said The captain, so The Welshman shouted ,'I do this for The glory of Wales', and jumped out.
'Sorry,' said The captain, 'I'm afraid we need to lose The weight of just one more person.'
'I do this for The glory of Ireland,' said The Irishman and threw out The Englishman.
he Englishman and The Scotsman were abroad so they phoned Interpol and sent a gorgeous parrot to their friend The Irishman. When they arrived home however The Irishman opened The oven and produced The parrot well and truly roasted saying, 'Let's have some lovely roast duck for dinner.'
That isn't a duck you fool,' they said to him. 'It's a parrot and it could speak seven different languages.'
'In that case,' said The Irishman, "why didn't it say something before I put it in The oven?'
There now follows a list of inventions. They were the brainchildren of the Kerry man who was history's unluckiest producer of lemonade. Over the years he came up with 4-up, 5-up, 6-up and then stopped! And if that isn't bad enough, look at other things he produced:
An inflatable dartboard
A chocolate kettle
A soluble life-raft
A self-righting aspirin
A solar-powered torch.
i could go all day but ill leave it at that
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