Sign In
Create Account
This idea i got from FoxTrident, so she gets 100% of the credit due...
Here are my silly T&C's for my new and upcoming LCC airline.
Any passenger using our in-flight entertainment services will be subject to a connection fee of £50. If the flight is more than 5,000 miles in length, then 50% of the cost of the flight will be added to the £50 plus an additional 20% VAT and £10 booking fee, plus £4 administration fee. If travelling in front 5 rows, then you will be subject to a compulsory £55 get out first fee. If the fee is not paid, then in the event of an emergency, the attendants will open the doors, stand in front of you and prevent you from escaping first while everyone else rushes out of the plane with the £25 cheap as chips emergency slide. NOTE: This fee cannot be waivered, no exceptions. Children unaccompanied will be subject to the compulsory £14 noisy child charge, upon non-payment of this fee, the child will be locked in the toilets for the duration of the flight to keep stress and discomfort levels to a minimum for all passengers aboard. Upon touchdown every passenger will have to complete our compulsory 50 page survey about the ridiculously overpriced in-flight entertainment and in- flight services, the passenger may refuse to take the survey, but instead will need to pay £10 non-compliance fee, plus £2 VAT and an additional £7 Administration fee. Passengers who refuse to pay this fee will be thrown into the cargo hold and dumped half way across the Atlantic Ocean upon the plane’s next trip over the Atlantic Ocean. Passengers using a laptop or internet capable device on board without asking permission from the entire company and everyone on board the aircraft at the time will be made to pay a £300 overuse charge. If the passenger refuses to pay the fee, then the flight attendant has the legal authority to use the company’s new plane mounted Malware installer modem on the non-compliant passenger. If the fee is paid as the malware installation is in progress, then the passenger will need to pull the emergency electricity power off cord, subjecting them to a £50 fine plus and additional £5,000 fine for jeopardizing the plane, the passenger may also receive an additional 15 years in prison for attempted murder or manslaughter depending on if a crash occurs as a result of the passenger pulling the cord.
These T&C's will be updated from time to time.
-
This topic is locked
#1
Posted 29 January 2012 - 12:41 AM
PC Will
-
- Member
-
- 505 posts
AE'spolice officer (in training).
MSC Application (Papersift): Passed 08/2015 Written Assessment: Passed 16/10/2015 Interview: Passed 16/10/2015 Fitness test: Passed 16/10/2015 Medical: Passed 16/10/2015
Vetting: Passed 01/2016 Induction Evening (NSY): Attended 12/02/2016 Training: Completed 07/03/2016 - 11/04/2016 - 24 Day Intensive Attestation: Completed Sunday 12th June
First Shift: Sat 20/08/2016 19:00-04:00
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PC Application: Passed August 2016 Online tests: Passed October 2016 Day 1 Assessment Passed February 2017 Day 2 Assessment Passed April 2017 Vetting Status: Cleared Training intake start date: 30th August 2017
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2016 Retina Macbook Pro w Touchbar 256GB SSD i5 2.9GHZ
Custom built PC:
Corsair Obsidian 750D Full ATX Case
Intel Core i7-6850k Six Core @ 3.6GHZ
ASUS X99 Motherboard
Corsair Hydro H100i V2 CPU Cooler
32GB Corsair Vengeance DDR4 3000MHZ
Gigabyte Nvidia GTX 1080TI 11GB GDDR5X
250GB Samsung 850 Evo Solid State Drive
500GB Samsung 850 Evo Solid State Drive
Back to top
#2
Posted 29 January 2012 - 04:19 AM
Mr Tree
-
- Member
-
- 886 posts
AE Addict
If a crash happens when the passenger is pulling the cord, I doubt they would end up in prison. It looks more like they would just die, given how the LLC is run.
Perhaps it would be more profitable for the airline to do third party surveys, and then analyze the results onto the laptops of passengers?
I think you could use a disclaimer for passengers who die during flights. And after flights. Many years after. Everyone would have little chance of avoiding that, and the ensuing fees.
You've done a good job of setting this up. I look forward to staying away from your airline.
Perhaps it would be more profitable for the airline to do third party surveys, and then analyze the results onto the laptops of passengers?
I think you could use a disclaimer for passengers who die during flights. And after flights. Many years after. Everyone would have little chance of avoiding that, and the ensuing fees.
You've done a good job of setting this up. I look forward to staying away from your airline.
#3
Posted 29 January 2012 - 04:31 AM
M.F. Ensembleson
-
- Member
-
- 1,101 posts
N717YX
Coming soon to ScamJet: Using the bathroom requires a $20.00 fee! What happens is you walk in, lock the door, and do your business. Then, you unlock the door. Then you try to unlock the door. Then you try again. You then realize you have to swipe your card to exit the bathroom. And the best part? If you don't swipe within 5 minutes of the first unlock attempt, the bathroom becomes cold. 5 minutes after that, 10 minutes after the first unlocking attempt, the lights turn off. Completely dark. That is, except for the mini LED screen on the swiping device. Also, if your card doesn't work, it will charge $40.00 to every account/card associated with the card used. Once you have forced to file for bankruptcy, you are allowed to leave. That is, you get pushed out of the lav while the flight attendants (dressed in distracting clothing) offer you top of the line chocolate, drinks, and 5 star cuisine. Oh, I forgot something! You get charged triple the original price, already over-expensive, due to "machine malfunctions." Thank you for flying ScamJet!
"We do what we must, because we can."
Reintroducing Ensemble Holdings, commencing operations Summer 2014.
#4
Posted 29 January 2012 - 10:52 AM
PC Will
-
- Member
-
- 505 posts
AE'spolice officer (in training).
If a crash happens when the passenger is pulling the cord, I doubt they would end up in prison. It looks more like they would just die, given how the LLC is run.
Perhaps it would be more profitable for the airline to do third party surveys, and then analyze the results onto the laptops of passengers?
I think you could use a disclaimer for passengers who die during flights. And after flights. Many years after. Everyone would have little chance of avoiding that, and the ensuing fees.
You've done a good job of setting this up. I look forward to staying away from your airline.
We look forward to seeing you aboard !
MSC Application (Papersift): Passed 08/2015 Written Assessment: Passed 16/10/2015 Interview: Passed 16/10/2015 Fitness test: Passed 16/10/2015 Medical: Passed 16/10/2015
Vetting: Passed 01/2016 Induction Evening (NSY): Attended 12/02/2016 Training: Completed 07/03/2016 - 11/04/2016 - 24 Day Intensive Attestation: Completed Sunday 12th June
First Shift: Sat 20/08/2016 19:00-04:00
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PC Application: Passed August 2016 Online tests: Passed October 2016 Day 1 Assessment Passed February 2017 Day 2 Assessment Passed April 2017 Vetting Status: Cleared Training intake start date: 30th August 2017
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2016 Retina Macbook Pro w Touchbar 256GB SSD i5 2.9GHZ
Custom built PC:
Corsair Obsidian 750D Full ATX Case
Intel Core i7-6850k Six Core @ 3.6GHZ
ASUS X99 Motherboard
Corsair Hydro H100i V2 CPU Cooler
32GB Corsair Vengeance DDR4 3000MHZ
Gigabyte Nvidia GTX 1080TI 11GB GDDR5X
250GB Samsung 850 Evo Solid State Drive
500GB Samsung 850 Evo Solid State Drive
#5
Posted 29 January 2012 - 10:53 AM
PC Will
-
- Member
-
- 505 posts
AE'spolice officer (in training).
Coming soon to ScamJet: Using the bathroom requires a $20.00 fee! What happens is you walk in, lock the door, and do your business. Then, you unlock the door. Then you try to unlock the door. Then you try again. You then realize you have to swipe your card to exit the bathroom. And the best part? If you don't swipe within 5 minutes of the first unlock attempt, the bathroom becomes cold. 5 minutes after that, 10 minutes after the first unlocking attempt, the lights turn off. Completely dark. That is, except for the mini LED screen on the swiping device. Also, if your card doesn't work, it will charge $40.00 to every account/card associated with the card used. Once you have forced to file for bankruptcy, you are allowed to leave. That is, you get pushed out of the lav while the flight attendants (dressed in distracting clothing) offer you top of the line chocolate, drinks, and 5 star cuisine. Oh, I forgot something! You get charged triple the original price, already over-expensive, due to "machine malfunctions." Thank you for flying ScamJet!
Nice one, could be a little longer though
You only mentioned the toilets and the triple charge.
MSC Application (Papersift): Passed 08/2015 Written Assessment: Passed 16/10/2015 Interview: Passed 16/10/2015 Fitness test: Passed 16/10/2015 Medical: Passed 16/10/2015
Vetting: Passed 01/2016 Induction Evening (NSY): Attended 12/02/2016 Training: Completed 07/03/2016 - 11/04/2016 - 24 Day Intensive Attestation: Completed Sunday 12th June
First Shift: Sat 20/08/2016 19:00-04:00
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PC Application: Passed August 2016 Online tests: Passed October 2016 Day 1 Assessment Passed February 2017 Day 2 Assessment Passed April 2017 Vetting Status: Cleared Training intake start date: 30th August 2017
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2016 Retina Macbook Pro w Touchbar 256GB SSD i5 2.9GHZ
Custom built PC:
Corsair Obsidian 750D Full ATX Case
Intel Core i7-6850k Six Core @ 3.6GHZ
ASUS X99 Motherboard
Corsair Hydro H100i V2 CPU Cooler
32GB Corsair Vengeance DDR4 3000MHZ
Gigabyte Nvidia GTX 1080TI 11GB GDDR5X
250GB Samsung 850 Evo Solid State Drive
500GB Samsung 850 Evo Solid State Drive
#6
Posted 29 January 2012 - 04:33 PM
Mr Tree
-
- Member
-
- 886 posts
AE Addict
I don't think so.We look forward to seeing you aboard !
#7
Posted 29 January 2012 - 06:13 PM
PC Will
-
- Member
-
- 505 posts
AE'spolice officer (in training).
I don't think so.
MSC Application (Papersift): Passed 08/2015 Written Assessment: Passed 16/10/2015 Interview: Passed 16/10/2015 Fitness test: Passed 16/10/2015 Medical: Passed 16/10/2015
Vetting: Passed 01/2016 Induction Evening (NSY): Attended 12/02/2016 Training: Completed 07/03/2016 - 11/04/2016 - 24 Day Intensive Attestation: Completed Sunday 12th June
First Shift: Sat 20/08/2016 19:00-04:00
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PC Application: Passed August 2016 Online tests: Passed October 2016 Day 1 Assessment Passed February 2017 Day 2 Assessment Passed April 2017 Vetting Status: Cleared Training intake start date: 30th August 2017
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2016 Retina Macbook Pro w Touchbar 256GB SSD i5 2.9GHZ
Custom built PC:
Corsair Obsidian 750D Full ATX Case
Intel Core i7-6850k Six Core @ 3.6GHZ
ASUS X99 Motherboard
Corsair Hydro H100i V2 CPU Cooler
32GB Corsair Vengeance DDR4 3000MHZ
Gigabyte Nvidia GTX 1080TI 11GB GDDR5X
250GB Samsung 850 Evo Solid State Drive
500GB Samsung 850 Evo Solid State Drive
#8
Posted 10 February 2012 - 10:15 AM
violetQueen
-
- Member
-
- 584 posts
The Resident B!tch
I liked TW and it's gone. NW, and it's gone. CO, and it's gone. Pray I don't like you.
"How sad it would be, should laughter disappear."
Spoiler
#9
Posted 24 February 2012 - 02:35 AM
M.F. Ensembleson
-
- Member
-
- 1,101 posts
N717YX
A new addition, should you take more than 50 steps in any direction from your seat, you will automatically be strapped down to the floor. To prevent this, by the strapdown-proof suit for 9.3 trillion easy payments of $9,999,999,999,999,999,999.
Thank you for flying ScamJet!
Thank you for flying ScamJet!
"We do what we must, because we can."
Reintroducing Ensemble Holdings, commencing operations Summer 2014.
#10
Posted 28 February 2012 - 09:06 PM
PC Will
-
- Member
-
- 505 posts
AE'spolice officer (in training).
A new addition, should you take more than 50 steps in any direction from your seat, you will automatically be strapped down to the floor. To prevent this, by the strapdown-proof suit for 9.3 trillion easy payments of $9,999,999,999,999,999,999.
Thank you for flying ScamJet!
Using our life jackets requires you to put a £50 note in the scanner beneath the seat, pulling the inflation cord automatically incurs an additional £30 fee. If you refuse to use our life jackets, you will have your hands tied behind your back, and be kicked from the open door into the sea.
MSC Application (Papersift): Passed 08/2015 Written Assessment: Passed 16/10/2015 Interview: Passed 16/10/2015 Fitness test: Passed 16/10/2015 Medical: Passed 16/10/2015
Vetting: Passed 01/2016 Induction Evening (NSY): Attended 12/02/2016 Training: Completed 07/03/2016 - 11/04/2016 - 24 Day Intensive Attestation: Completed Sunday 12th June
First Shift: Sat 20/08/2016 19:00-04:00
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PC Application: Passed August 2016 Online tests: Passed October 2016 Day 1 Assessment Passed February 2017 Day 2 Assessment Passed April 2017 Vetting Status: Cleared Training intake start date: 30th August 2017
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2016 Retina Macbook Pro w Touchbar 256GB SSD i5 2.9GHZ
Custom built PC:
Corsair Obsidian 750D Full ATX Case
Intel Core i7-6850k Six Core @ 3.6GHZ
ASUS X99 Motherboard
Corsair Hydro H100i V2 CPU Cooler
32GB Corsair Vengeance DDR4 3000MHZ
Gigabyte Nvidia GTX 1080TI 11GB GDDR5X
250GB Samsung 850 Evo Solid State Drive
500GB Samsung 850 Evo Solid State Drive
#11
Posted 07 March 2012 - 06:00 PM
Hake.
-
- Member
-
- 4,295 posts
Too Old For All This Jazz
- Skype Name:billfoster123
- Website:http://willsweg.com
In the event of a fire please remain seated. Our Vietnamese cabin crew will put the fire out somehow at a charge of €14.99 per passenger. Also in the event of the plane crashing, remember. This is because of terrorists and not Ryanair. Thank you and enjoy your flight. Cue the weird smell of cleaning solution and let the flight begin. Wait, Michael, get out of the engine! http://www.independe...e_i_768435t.jpg
#12
Posted 07 March 2012 - 06:40 PM
M4matthew
-
- Member
-
- 673 posts
M4Matthew
Wait, Michael, get out of the engine!
No, for the sake of humanity, stay in there
#13
Posted 07 March 2012 - 09:03 PM
Mr Tree
-
- Member
-
- 886 posts
AE Addict
Given the expression on his face, I also think it would best to leave him in there. For $1000 an hour. Did I say hour? I meant per minute.
#14
Posted 07 March 2012 - 09:17 PM
M4matthew
-
- Member
-
- 673 posts
M4Matthew
Does anyone else think he looks like Mr Bean?
#15
Posted 09 June 2012 - 06:26 PM
PC Will
-
- Member
-
- 505 posts
AE'spolice officer (in training).
Does anyone else think he looks like Mr Bean?
No....
MSC Application (Papersift): Passed 08/2015 Written Assessment: Passed 16/10/2015 Interview: Passed 16/10/2015 Fitness test: Passed 16/10/2015 Medical: Passed 16/10/2015
Vetting: Passed 01/2016 Induction Evening (NSY): Attended 12/02/2016 Training: Completed 07/03/2016 - 11/04/2016 - 24 Day Intensive Attestation: Completed Sunday 12th June
First Shift: Sat 20/08/2016 19:00-04:00
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PC Application: Passed August 2016 Online tests: Passed October 2016 Day 1 Assessment Passed February 2017 Day 2 Assessment Passed April 2017 Vetting Status: Cleared Training intake start date: 30th August 2017
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2016 Retina Macbook Pro w Touchbar 256GB SSD i5 2.9GHZ
Custom built PC:
Corsair Obsidian 750D Full ATX Case
Intel Core i7-6850k Six Core @ 3.6GHZ
ASUS X99 Motherboard
Corsair Hydro H100i V2 CPU Cooler
32GB Corsair Vengeance DDR4 3000MHZ
Gigabyte Nvidia GTX 1080TI 11GB GDDR5X
250GB Samsung 850 Evo Solid State Drive
500GB Samsung 850 Evo Solid State Drive
0 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users
